I)
Patan. Alone. Caffeinated reality. People hovering in and out. I am loving this solitude.
These are the words I wrote on [[February 5th, 2021]]. Although the whole area was crowded, people swayed here and there. A couple of couples moving in parallel lines. Pigeons swimming in the air. The backdrop filled with eerie lights, especially when the cold afternoon was mourning for my solitude.
Dear Everyone,
I really hope you are having a good time with your life. Any attempt at asking “How are you feeling today?” is absurd, let alone whoever is reading this is still alive out there somewhere, in a [[Pale Blue Dot]].
As I try to stitch a lot of broken thoughts, accumulated within the past 3+ months or so, my headphone is filled with [[Famous Blue Raincoat]], as Cohen's words echo...
These months have been one of my worst months in a decade or so, especially with my family situation. On the other side of this blog is an existence feeling dreaded eternally, as clocks tick and time creeps in, the human on this part of the side is nothing but lonely, and yet is trying to cope with his solitude, trying to find a "piece of peace".
II)
My depression was taking a toll all these times. I was sad most of the days; suicidal thoughts couldn't just escape my mind. It's bizarre that I had 17ish such thoughts throughout 2020. [3]
One of the worst things that can happen to anyone is being locked with solitude, with no one to talk to of things that make us and of things that we make, time that stitches the knowns and the unknowns.
The fact that out of all the readers in the blog/newsletter, only 3 people cared how I was doing. I know I don't expect much and that I have once again gone under metamorphosis after 3 months, still it's strange that if I had died within all these times, you wouldn't have noticed it.
Of course, that's okay.
“Ya Nish! I had been wondering all these times about inactivity in the newsletter. I thought you are taking time off to enjoy your life. You have your priorities. You have your work. You can only have so much time in 2 weekends. So, how am I suppose to expect that the person at the other side of this algorithmic world is sad, depressed and struggling really hard inside his mind.”
It's fine. I'd like to think of this as another thought experiment: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
III)
I've been trying really hard to cope with whatever shitty things I am going through in my life. There are multiple occasions when people had noticed that I am suffering from depression.
One time, while I took a little break in my own [[Work from Home]] session, I phased out looking at the sky. My appearance kinda gave it away so much that one of my neighbors asked me why I was sad. I dusted off the clouds and just smile. :)
Another time, one of my friends had come over to the house to accompany my solitude. He noticed my depression as I was talking with utmost absurd thoughts.
Another time, I visited my aunt's apartment after 2 years. During the night, I had a "good" conversation with my uncle, who is friendlier than most of us could possibly be. He runs a clinic and knows more than what "savy doctors" know. I couldn't help but share everything going on with our family thing. I bursted out into tears. Told him that I want to steer my life myself...
IV)
Sometimes as I try to look at my life from a reverse gear, I think it as being too passive...the past didn't offer any stability to me .. neither the present...so what good is the future? DFW comes a lot in my mind...I sometimes simulate my suicide from the vantage point of turning mid 30 and just giving up living. Surely I like to joke that my time around isn't much...that I might die before 40... But the feeling isn't that alien... 2020 itself accounted for 17ish suicidal thoughts...and I wonder how long this Nish paradoxical melodrama is going to continue...
This is a snippet from my journal entry from [[January 25th, 2021]]. I know it's something very very personal I shouldn't share in its entirety. But, I want to let you know that the past 3 months or so have been very rough for me. Like really rough. No urge to talk to anyone…keeping my phone off most of the time…Not wanting to browser anything over the interwebs…Just sinking in the thought-storm.
The thing about not having people to talk about these things is equally frightening. I am sure some of you might have a similar life, if not the same. Degrading mental health sucks.
V)
Probably, a part of this depression stems from loneliness...and that my solitude has become my own destruction... A kiss with solitude is no more than a piss in the abyss now. I wonder how people live their life in the mid-20s. Perhaps most of them have friends to hang out with....close friends...to cry...to laugh.... get drunk...smoke ..talk shit .. stay late-night... Hike....walk... I'm sure I've had my share of that in the past... But today is not the past that was but the lonely future that unfolds. Plus having no girlfriend is also a catalyst in that loneliness. Sure! Love had met me in unforeseen circumstances...in the poem, someone wrote from a foreign land...in the touches that kissed me... In the naivety of young "crushful" energy ... But my depression....the dark energy of sadness... might be...the downfall of that view from the top of the mountain...
Second, introversion is also a no-brainer. I didn't care enough to bond myself with strangers. I don't "connect" immediately with anyone...those who have been connected are long gone as fragments of my memory...or are rendered as another version of Nish in another simulation, drifting away in another timeline. Sure! I'm crying right now with my own loneliness, my shadow laughing at me from the corner of this void. But I do miss hanging out with people who used to be close to my mind... I let it be!
VI)
These early mid-life crises feel more like an eternity. Some realizations I've had from my reflections and some inconclusive thoughts still circle me.
It's this phase in life where we actually struggle to make any new friends and older friends drift away into distant memories. This is particularly catalyzed by the fact that some of us don't really have any digital medium to get engaged with people, for the likes of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
There are a few notable things that I have come to realize, that "might" help in coping with loneliness and our absurd lives:
You are in a very authentic/true (whatever that means for you) relationship with your partner (girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse). It feels as if peak adulthood means you two are spending time together, sharing each other's time, and try to make sense of [[The Absurd]] together.
You are stuck with the same group of friends forever. You can hang out with the group and spend time "nicely".
You are solely focused on hobbies, careers, and self-guided absurd paths. Every passing time is ignited by work and your enthusiasm to improve yourself. You are constantly reading books, making music, writing things, exploring the world, and reinforcing your mental model.
* Absurdity et al *
VII)
Life is absurd, I know. Yet at some corners, I feel I've been coping with this absurdity for a long time. If I rewind my timeline to my early 20s or post-teen, I can find myself focusing on myself. I didn't smoke back then. I didn't think about love and romance. I didn't think about careers. All I had was struggles. Our family was financially weak. I couldn't afford cool gadgets people in the college used to have. I was tight-assed. I was conscious of money problems. I didn't travel much. I had a constricted sense of "worldview". I had black-n-white views of the world back then mostly, harrowed by the "goodness" and the "badness" of the reality I observed. It was a blurred lens, I know.
It's strange how some of us completely change within just 4 years of time and how some of us are still the same (in many ways) we were a decade back. Strange. I didn't smoke until 2017. Now, it's one of the coping mechanisms for my vague anxieties.
Surprised. I could actually "fall in love" with someone, and find it hard to move on until the mid-2020s.
Eerie...how a vivid reality eventually turns into a distant ship on the horizon....foggy...
Beautiful...how we can explore the world through words, music, language, stories, narration, speculations...
Saddening...how people can't "differentiate" between empathy and "Being there, strong". I find it very uncomfortable now sharing anything face to face with anyone the things I have in my [[Mind-Cave]]. When I wanted empathy, I had found people "nosing in" to give advice, which only boosted their ego.
That's why one question I find it useful to ask when I am that "people": Do you want empathy or a solution?
VIII)
Smalltalk. I have never been the guy who liked small-talk. [0]
When I am with someone talking about a topic I am comfortable about (say, knowledge management, space exploration, quantum physics), and they ignore what I have to say and talk about another person X who is a lot better than I am in every aspect, I feel so disheartened. It's saddening when every "aspiring" conversation ends up with person X. I don't normally want admiration -- probably I need reality checks often -- but when I can't recall any conversation with them about being inspired I don't know how to feel about it. Of course, I like them, and possibly they like me too...but that's that.
One recent incident during a discussion session over the work that I often think about is when I had seriously asked, “What is silence for you”, people brushed it off with jokes. I know I don't normally give in to my emotions at work, but that incident had stuck around as near as a week back.
When you are depressed AF, trying to cope with whatever it is in the void, minor things create domino effects. Your thought processes are over-amplified. Overthinking kills the tiger in your mind. [4]
Another incident was During Dec 2020 when I was in a meeting with one of our clients. Their problems were very hard to solve, yet we had tried our best to provide a solution. During the meeting, I got triggered so much I was starting to get aggressive. It was that moment when I had realized my depression was back in the junkyard.
IX)
Bored? Saddened? (after reading all this bullshit)
Don't worry. I am also bored of my own thoughts. I am just trying to get out of my rut. For some reason, I've been feeling so calmer past 2 weeks. Overworking myself has been a good coping mechanism. I have no idea what I should do in my "internet time". Most of the nights, I keep on scrolling through discussion threads over lesswrong and Hacker News. I haven't consumed many podcasts either.
Time slots are filled with reading research papers, long forms, and essays. I haven't used much [[Roam]] either. Notes are scarce. I stopped writing much in my journal to not "give in" to the rut of same-recursive-looping thoughts.
However, I've been practicing guitar a lot. I feel that 2020 alone had more improvements than all these 6+ years of playing guitar. I have learned some things about music theory, music compositions, digital signal processing, mixing, and such.
More than ever, I've been very close to psychedelic/stoner music. Exotic music, ragas, classical ones. You name it. I haven't listened to an old playlist with fantasized love and romance much [5]. I know if I start to listen to that playlist, I'll again drift into somewhere that's sad and depressing. I'd rather spend time with bands like [[Asteroids]], [[Light in Babylonia]], [[The Machine]] and the likes. [1]
X)
On a positive note, 2020 also generated some beautiful snippets in my life:
(a) One of the friends (junior) had sent me this message:
“I had been thinking about you and the conversations we had last year, which really helped me think through things. Also, you made me feel *special* .and also thank you for encouraging me to learn more about things and think really hard about them. I am so grateful to have you in my life, and esp during those darkest days. I feel more happy and in peace. Btw, I started talking with my mom and am trying to have more conversations with my friends these days.”
(b) One of my friends from BE days with whom I did most of my projects (and talked about many things) had sent me this email:
“Hi Nishan,
I hope you are doing well. K cha yar? Aajkal kata chau? K gardai chau? College days miss huncha yar, projects haru gareko naya kura haru sikeko. You know, maile masters join gare ni yehi Pulchowk ma. I am a student again. Although 4 complete years after BE, it still amazes me that I have the same energy for learning and side projects that I used to have in BE. I miss working on projects with you Nish. Looking forward to hearing from you, what's going on with you and what are the interesting thing you've been working on.”
Strangely enough, we bumped into each other a few weeks back in the evening in Patan [2].
(c) One of the life forms from the interwebs had commented in one iteration of this newsletter, which made my day that time:
“thanks for writing Nish and I really appreciate how you have been putting these out every week. This was another interesting topic that I never consciously pondered upon. Also, I realize that this is a big commitment of your time, and not every week is easy. Maybe sometime around you could share how you're doing this even in your busiest saddest of weeks (other than ok I just do it) and whatever it is that makes you read an article from 2004. Would be fun :)”
Comments like these actually make me wanna keep on writing whatever shit I write in this newsletter/blog.
(d) A close friend of mine (hint: you know who he is ) reply to my question, "What do you love about me":
“Many things. I love how you are willing to face up to the absurdity of life, to acknowledge your vulnerabilities, to not run away. I love how you are kind, in a deeply connected kind of way. Nothing overt, but still a profound "I hear you" kind of way. I love how you try. To appreciate art, science, the world, people. To engage. To let it touch you. To be open on that way. It's obviously not easy. But you try. And I find that inspiring. Also how you dive deep, in whatever it is that's in front of you.
This could go on...
But in short: I love that you exist and it has a sizeable positive affect in the space-time fabric that I experience.”
:)
(e) Someone (hint: from another country to whom I used to talk about everything and nothing) had sent me a letter in July 2020. I am not sure if I should be sad or happy. But now I can choose to be "happy":
Dear Nish ,
I am sorry that I took so long to reply almost one year , I did not know what I should be saying , I hope you are doing well and I wish you to get all the happiness , You are a wonderful soul , a paradox , a puzzle , but beautiful and I am glad I got to know you even a little , all the chaos and caffeine and confusion , you are like an art , poem . I just wish you to do well , and I am doing fine and well like always , I dont stay up late these days and I wake up by 5am then go for a walk in a solitary hill , I am studying for my exams and praying for the world to be okay again , that is it my simple life , I dont write so well like you nor I am that intelligent like you , The AI - artificial intelligence and all 😂😂 I hope your job is going well that causing you a headache , Stay Blessed always , my best wishes are with you ,
:) (Nevermind the emoji she had sent :/ )
(f) A stranger from Reddit loved so much one melody: I'm Gone Missing I had shared, his comments made my night:
“Melody kasto ramro cha. Hope this virtual award made a difference in your day. (ali Kati vaeniii)”
Thank you kind stranger for one of my first Reddit awards. :)
XI)
This expanding thought-verse can continue indefinitely. Slowly. So many things going on in my life simultaneously that I am starting to hit race conditions often. It's even absurd to talk about all those things.
I am sorry if I ranted a lot of things. But thank you very much for sticking around for whatever reason you've decided to...
I'm alive and I like to think that I'm still alive..
That "I'm okay.".
That "I'm fine. Thanks for asking".
Footnotes
[0] - Of course, I don't mean small talks are bad. It's not my cup of coffee. :)
[1] - Listen to The Face of Love - Rahat Fateh Ali Khan & Eddie Vedder. Mesmerizing.
[2] - Patan isn't fun anymore, you know. Most of the places are crowded with couples or friends having a good time...which makes me “kinda” lonely... I can't describe this feeling in words.
[3] - Yes, I keep a journal for all sorts of thoughts.
[4] - I know you might be tempted to think of the usual sad kind of emotions as “depression”, which most people associate with. However, medical depression is a real thing… If sadness and anxieties last for a long time, invoking suicidal thoughts, I am sure that’s depression…
[5] - Actually, as I write this, I am listening to the old playlist…It’s been playing for more than 2 hours now… I travelled back in time through this playlist since writing this whole thing. Eerie.
— The title of this blog is inspired by Scott’s comeback post.
damn this is deep ! i've been going through some rough edges too (although its nowhere near as intense) and some parts of the letter felts like I was reading about myself. How absurd life is, how it feels like everyone is doing better, my insistence on not sharing things and the disappointment that follows when I do and the "touchy"ness of the smallest things when you're sad/depressed. I also think it takes courage and say yeah I am depressed. Depression can have so many faces and it's so ill-represented in media and hard to relate to. And there's really no getting out of the absurd idea of "now I'm happy and now I'm not". I recently feel like I've been organizing life around situations that just exist in my head (exam date, deadlines, poverty, disappointing others) and right now I'm just escaping and assuming everything is going to be okay and that's helping me get through the day with a little more sanity. I got no advice for you but just don't give up and take it slow. Btw I'm glad you're alive and I hope you find a way to work out those thoughts that say you not to..sending a lot of hugs from the interwebs..