Bits and Paradoxes #34
Coping mechanisms, Escapism
Hi there,
I bet you hadn’t expected me to spawn here, out of nowhere.
I hope you're all doing well. I just wanted to put out my heavy-hearted feelings right now out there to you folks. Thanks for listening. :)
(This is a long write-up. Please open in the web browser…)
Last week I turned 27. And as always, like a ritual, I consumed some of my favorites:
Kafka’s [[A Hunger Artist]]
DFW’s [[This is water]]
I don't know how I should be feeling. I guess now such a day has become more like a yearly snapshot of my life, to take a reverse gear and introspect on a lot of things. I like to comfort myself that there are a lot of things I can say, but I will refrain from putting those out for my own sanity. However, since last year I have found that my coping mechanisms are the escapism to long-standing absurdities of everything.
Since last year, I've been using this term called "coping mechanism" [3] to denote the actions that deviate me from great grief of the absurd in general towards more neutral feelings. I have realized that everyone has their own sets of coping mechanisms, without which they will all be lost into the pure nihilistic thought process [0]. That in its absolute sense is nothing but a way to keep on contemplating about life in general. Like how you should live your life. "Living" as in actually feeling "alive". "Alive" as in being totally attached to the present, and still clinging to your past and trying to hold on to your future. "Everyone is addicted to thoughts", as [[Alan Watts]] says. Coping mechanisms are like addictions to which we are deeply attached, which if not present will drift us somewhere into the unknowns of life, a fragmentation…
Over the last year, there is a pretty much finite number of coping mechanisms I have realized make me get lost and not really "feel sad" about life in general and all the indefiniteness that comes along. Except for few people in my circle, almost no one has any idea how hard it is to just live every passing time, mind being desperate to do something. I feel I have one long unfulfilled life and the dissatisfactions of being a "Nish" in this reality... I can't even put that feeling out here....but just know that I have become more and more dissatisfied for an unknown reason. That's why it's important for me to temporarily suspend all those commotions and get lost in some other activities.
I) Reading
If you know me, at this point you can realize that I consume a lot of "reading" materials ranging from articles to long essays to discussion threads to poems to books..or just reading code and research papers.
I don't know but over the last year, this habit is degrading drastically and scares the shit out of me that my attention span has dropped significantly.
If you don't find me reading books or doing ML research or simply coding things, you will find me somewhere out there on the internet, jumping from one Hacker News thread to another, procrastinating within the YouTube comments, or just browsing through Reddit that don't add values.
Whatever it is, I have tried to at least read 2-3 good content every week. This is important for me because otherwise reading will be the natural consequence of browsing in the interwebs, and just getting overloaded with tons of information I can't possibly fathom.
II) Applied Machine Learning
I think I have become cemented [2] in this space since last year than all my 3+ years of experience. The only rant I have regarding this domain is that I have a lot of rants I can't possibly put together in one piece.
One of the perks of working in applied ML research is the concept of "research graveyard". For the past 2 years, I have read dozens of papers (probably an underestimation) that we could experiment over [[Docsumo]]. One thing that keeps on repeating is out of a large number of papers, we're able to only apply a few algorithms that have worked. This means the difference between the theoretical aspect of ML and the practical ones is huge.
I am often bombarded by a plethora of [[Imposter Syndrome]], that I don't understand much to the things I read, mostly the lack of in-depth knowledge on the core mathematics. Sometimes I just feel that my past self would be too furious of the lack of "mathy" Nish he could encounter... But the industry works like that. Academic spaces are pretty much theoretical. More than 90% of the papers are just bluff and have very unrealistic comparison metrics to certain problems.
The real world doesn’t work that way because:
(a) The incentives are pretty wild. You have to treat ML applications as software applications first and foremost. That means you have to get out of the "toy problem" and get real serious about solving problems that solves someone else's problems on a large scale
(b) The theoretical/academic papers are incentivized for funding and "hacky" paper conference deadlines. As a result, an algorithm that sounds quite "cool" on paper, don't actually apply much to real applications. Say for example: [[GPT-3]] . Not everyone has the capability to host this beast. It's too impractical to deploy large language models, let alone inferencing!
Having said that, I am not saying academic papers are bad. I just want more and more papers from industrial research that actually showcase some usable algorithms!
III) Music
[1] For the last 2 years+, I have actually come to terms with how music has helped me to go and live through the shitty days I had. How I could just pick up Rusty (my guitar) and actually get lost somewhere. My music taste has actually molded into the direction of dark progressive/experimental/post-rock. Not sure why, but I feel these music (kinda) make me "feel" my own emotions, relate to a lot of things about the absurdities of lives.
For the past 6 months, I have also improved (I'm overestimating) my music production skills, learning a lot about arrangements and more technical skills in improving my recordings. This while trying to put out my first [[Album: Eerie]]. I have enjoyed a lot producing each and every track of it and the final track will be released on [[August 8th, 2021]]. I am so excited to share that.
I do think music is the most important coping mechanism. I am not sure what a Nish will be doing if he hadn't picked the guitar [[@2012]] for the first time. I am indebted to him.
One weird thing is that the music taste of a person actually changes as their lives take on paths, change philosophy, and grows with them. A song feels more relatable when you grow up and hit a certain age mark. A song feels like a cringefest similarly. Some songs are eternal in your mind. Some have a very special place in your heart that you no longer listen to them until and unless the "time" and emotions are "right".
IV) Hacker News Syndrome
This is one of the terms I and Bijay invented a few months back in our hour-long conversation on our podcast.
It’s a psychological phenomenon where a person keeps on wasting their time on [[Hacker News]], mindlessly scrolling through the feed. The general side-effect is that the person doesn't actually read the original post. Rather they keep on consuming the absurd comments on the threads. As a result, they easily get trapped in the HN filter bubble.
This is also one thing that's making me anxious lately, with one question:
Will I still be browsing through HN and Reddit in my leisure time even after 3 years? What happens after my marriage to this behaviour? (As a joke) will my spouse be browsing the HN with me and will we talk about different HN threads?
I think this is the least healthy coping mechanism for me. These days even my muscle memory goes to the HN and just browse through large pollution of information there. I can't see myself getting out of this filter bubble even after 3 years. It has become so strong that it has crept to other platforms like Reddit and YouTube. Specifically with YouTube, instead of watching videos, I get my form of dopamine release from the comment section. WTF!
V)
Tonight I am also reminded of an elaborated answer I gave on Reddit to the question: “How do you spend your weekend”...which is verbatim:
Been in the industry after 2016. So that could give you an idea of where I come from. My job title says: "Senior Research Scientist". But I keep my legs on multiple boats: engineering and research. Let's move forward.
The question is a tricky one. Most would say I don't have a life. Oh well. I don't have friends, much. So here I go. (Disclaimer: I suffer from a heavy dose of Analysis Paralysis and imposter syndrome. But then that doesn't matter to strangers, does it? )
First, I do monthly review about my decisions/actions and failures (if time has come to do so).
Secondly, every weekend I try to jot down the notes I have accumulated throughout the week. The notes can be from videos/podcasts/blogs/essays/threads that are scattered around my PKM system. It helps me to keep track of what actually I have learned that week. In the process, some older ideas connect and disconnect. I believe in "connecting the dots". "Life is all about constantly updating our prior beliefs" - Me. (NOw damn, I am being a narc by quoting myself, am I?)
In the past (my younger self would claim), I used to spend by walking around the city, going to cinema halls, alone for my own sake.
Now, I spend time reading long forms (books/long essays/research papers). Other times, I consume few long podcasts that are on my TO-Listen list. If not that, then you'd find me watching long-form talks (currently I am re-consuming Brandon Rhode's essays/talks). Documentaries, and the shits. If am really bored AF, I go to read 1/2 manga chapters I have missed, or just go into some rabbit hole of interwebs. Apparently, I have lost interest in YouTube either.
If I have a side project (apparently, I have 2 personal projects currently), I spend few hours trying to figure out better design patterns for the code. Sometimes I spend long hours reading code from some open source projects, or perhaps just go through long issues that are trending on HN.
Most of the time, I procrastinate on Hacker News. There's this term me and my friend have coined (from a long podcast we did a week back), which is the proclivity to only read HN threads without actually going through the original contents posted. It feels as if I spend more time on HN than anything else. Previously LW (LessWrong) also used to be another place where I procrastinated.
Other times, I try to work on my music production skills and learn more about music theory (this never creases for me). I (Been working on an album for a few months now. Recording my final music for that matter.).
In all, since I don't have a "social life" (introverted), I have no one to talk to when I am really lonely (I talk with 3 friends, but that'll be once in 3 months or so). I used to have frequent vague anxiety attacks and trying to recover since December 2020.
Everyone has their coping mechanisms, and for me to curb my loneliness (and depression, a long-standing person suffering from this and trying to recover), I find myself procrastinating (productively?) to things that help me improve my worldview, to connect the dots, to try to assure myself that among all these absurdities I could find something "meaningful". In hindsight, I sway here and there during weekends, especially since the lockdown I can't really stroll around the city and have a perfect cup of caffeinated solitude, can I?
Someone should say "get a life". But I let that be for now. In all, I suck on almost all things (depth-vs-width conundrum). And that helps me push myself more and more on wherever the river is flowing (if there are any).
VI)
Since last week, I am getting this unwavering feeling of "being left out" by time itself. Everyone is going abroad, which is just a coping mechanism in disguise, on how people are escaping Nepal and want to explore the world. For me, I don't know why even after giving one RA interview yesterday, I feel I will be rejected again. That will be a story for some other day. My TOEFL score is going to expire in November this year and the idea of applying again for the 3rd time doesn't excite me anymore. I don't have the same energy I used to have. I don't know. Some part of me says that I shouldn't give a damn about it. However, if I look from an internal perspective I really want to go out, see the world from a different lens, get to know new culture and such...and grad school could be one path for that...an important one.
Just a few weeks back while I sat down to seriously write an SOP for one university, I, unfortunately, ended up with this long 5-page essay: “what is my CS purpose” where I talk about the actual purpose of being a "Computer Science"ey Nish.
Last week too I gave one RA interview in which I wasn't able to articulate my "Nish"ness and the whole time I kept on wishing that the people who were taking my interview could empathize. I don't know why people don't read the CV in detail. I don't know why they don't go through the blogs. Having been in the driver's seat -- interviewing a lot of candidates for hiring --, I expect other people to do the same. I guess it's just me being a "Nish" when I go through everything the candidate has to offer. Some one-one interviews ranging from an hour to 2.
Jumping back to the RA thing, last week was the interview where they also assigned me the task. I think that has been the hardest ML problem for me so far. I worked on the assignment, despite having a client deadline over Docsumo for a new extraction problem. I worked my ass off on both, trying to juggle the time. I fell sick with a lot of stress. Had fever, some [[COVID-19]] -like symptoms. Couldn't move out of bed for 3 days. Luckily, tested negative. And then gave my presentation yesterday. I actually messed up my presentation yesterday. It was all over the place. I know I could have done better. But then I can have an infinite number of excuses on why I failed!
VII)
In all, since last year everything has been in a time loop. Each waking hour, I am thinking about Grad Schools....and just the idea that I can fail to get out of that loop is a real killer. I just hope I don't give up. But then, after this year is a hassle I can't take.
I have also realized lately that my sexual drive has also declined drastically. I haven't talked to any girl since last year. By that I mean, I haven't had any [[Deep Meaningful Conversation]] with the opposite gender. You are free to make an opinion of me from that statement. But it's a natural trait that I naturally want to talk to someone of the opposite gender, to go in-depth on topics about life, philosophy, art, music..whatever knowns and unknowns are there... I just miss Aurora so much. I miss Sushi too. I don't know why, but if you are in a good relationship with someone, you can together live the absurd...together figure out the coping mechanism of lives...if not the least, you could have each of you with each other.... :)
Anyway, let's not drift into that sentimental realm. That's all I have to put out... I haven't been lonely though. It's just a weird feeling stemming from the indefiniteness of life, now since I have already hit 27. And the prospect of me being in the same time loop at 30 is also scary.
I guess days are really long and decades are too short.
Ending Thoughts
Before I leave please do check out few things I have put out last few months:
Rain...A Monologue: A monologue about rain and the emotions it brings.
What is my “CS” purpose?: A 5-page essay on my perspectives on the meaning of my life in the Computer Science universe. I plan to expand this in the future if I have the same emotions again.
Voids and Paradoxes: My 5th (final) track from the Album Eerie will be released on August 8th, 2021. Do listen on that day. You could also find it on my YouTube channel.
Coffee with Nish and Bijay | Episode 17 | Machine Learning Conversation | Podcast. An hour-long conversation I and Bijay had on Machine Learning
Brain Dump: The Pleasure of Finding Things Out: My review (kind of) of the book on Feynman.
(I wrote the whole thing while listening to Marty Friedman’s album: Scenes. My favorite is the song called “night”.)
PS: I have switched from [[Roam]] to [[Logseq]] to maintain my personal knowledge base (where I document everything in my life).
Footnotes
[0] - Nihilistic thought process -> that life doesn't inherently have any meanings.
[1] - Music. Aaaah. Another coping mechanism. I wonder how people in my circle feel about the music I write. I am sure most of them hesitate to even say, "Hey, N! Your music suck. Your writing suck." Probably they are right, or at least "correct" in my [[Mind-Cave]] 's simulation.
[2] - “Cemented” in the sense now I have done a lot of end-to-end machine learning projects that I can create “values”
[3] - I had this term coined officially in my personal journal, mind-cave. I do think almost all of my writings are also a form of coping mechanism revolving around life, time, and values.